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Breaking Up

Breaking Up Some felt they were a modern day Romeo and Juliet. The reality, however, is that they were a heartbreaking example of what can go wrong with adolescents. Christian Dalvia, 14 and Maryling Flores, 13 were sweethearts who were forbidden by Flores mother to see each other. In early November, 1995, the young couple met one last time. Standing at the edge of a Florida canal, they joined hands and jumped 15 feet into the cold, murky water to their deaths.

Their deaths may sound romantic to some love struck teenagers when, in actuality, its just plain stupid. There were probably many other reasons for their deaths, but ultimately, the thought of not being together tortured to the point of wanting to take their own lives. This is a very extreme example of what can go wrong with teenage heartbreak. One minute theyre inseperable – sharing their most intimate thoughts and details – the next minute they are faces across a crowded room or polite acquaintances at best. These are the consequences that come along with a breakup. We teens hear about love all around us, in music and movies, on TV, in stories.

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If you look in the dictionary, they define love as a tender, warm feeling; warm liking; affection; attachment. Love is simply a choice we make when we find someone who makes us happy, and who we trust with our innermost thoughts and feelings. We hear that love will make us happy. We hear that single people are lonely. We are told that if we are not part of a couple, we are not complete.

We all want to be part of this thing called love. Okay, we get a boyfriend or girlfriend, now everything should be perfect. But, its not perfect, because life never is. It is easy to become disappointed. Feelings can change.

One person may decide to say good-bye. When that happens, the one left behind will feel rejected. Rejection means someone choosing between one thing and another. The one who doesnt get chosen is rejected. This person who feels rejected thinks as if they are not good enough. It hurts. When the person you love decides to leave you, it is even more painful.

Does rejection mean failure? No. The end of a relationship means that the boyfriend or girlfriend decided that s/he wanted a change in the path of their lives. The reasons for this are within the ex – not within the rejected person. No one is a less valuable person because their boyfriend or girlfriends feelings have changed. What To Expect According to the book, The Complete Idiots Guide To Dating, there are nine stages of rejection that almost all dumpees must go through.

The pain may be awful, but each stage is part of the healing process. The stages may not follow in an exact order, but they will all be experienced. The Denial Phase: This cant be happening. During this stage, people may find themselves waiting for the phone to ring and not believing that the relationship is over. Some people may go through feelings of worthlessness and obsession.

These people are ones who lack coping skills. Solution: Acknowledge your feelings about what has happened. Accept, but do not dwell on shame and embarrassment, and all the shouldal/woulda/couldas. The Bargaining Phase: Driving yourself crazy, thinking that, If I get my hair cut, or If I dont call her for a week, s/he will change his/her mind. Solution: Accept that its over.

The Loneliness Phase: Feeling as if no one understands or cares. Some people will jump at the first person who shows the slightest interest in them, just for the fact of proving that they can still get someone to want them. Solution: Surround yourself with people who do care, and those who openly say so. Remind yourself often that you are loved. The Heartbreak Phase: Feeling like your heart is really breaking.

You may even feel pain in your chest, or want to throw up when you think of the person or see the person with someone else. Solution: You can go on. If youre feeling really bad, snap your fingers to interrupt the thought. The Blame Phase: Pointing the finger at you or at your ex for what each of you did wrong. Solution: Decide that neither of you are at fault and both of you are responsible for the breakup.

The Depression Phase: Feeling sad, worthless, and foolish. You have trouble eating and sleeping and you may imagine youll never love again. Solution: Allow yourself to feel pain but dont wallow in self-pity. Keep busy with exercise or projects. The Anger Phase: Feeling furious for being rejected.

Solution: Experience the anger, but dont exaggerate it. Dont let yourself become bitter. The Acceptance Phase: Finally believing that it is over. You no longer expect your ex to call and you begin to feel at peace. The Healing Phase: Getting your life back.

Ready to meet new people and youre no longer dwelling over your ex. These phases are all healthy ways to recover from a breakup. The Wrong Moves Just as there are ways to properly cope with ending a relationship, there are also unhealthy ways that some of us are drawn to do. In trying to cope with a breakup, during the loneliness phase, many use manipulative methods to require personal power (the freedom of choice and movement). Some of these manipulative methods are by going through the exs best friend and playing detective (is he seeing anyone? is she still upset?), threatening incapacitations (I wont be able to concentrate, do go or youll make me depressed), making impossible promises (Ill do whatever you ask, If I ever lose my temper, just snap your fingers and Ill calm down) – your ex doesnt believe these, you dont believe these, so dont say them. – and finally, by threatening revenge like, showing up with another girl at a party, physical violence, etc.

A personal example of this is a friend who well call Christine. When school started, Christine was dating Tom who eventually left her to date their mutual friend, Megan. Christine was extremely upset and she told Tom she would get back at him. She told him she would tell his mom hed been doing drugs. Obvious …


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